It's all yours, just promise to carry on my legacy of rage tweeting at op ed columnists. We're at The Shrunken Head but chances are Hodge is getting us kicked out sooner than later.
Bots can't understand the depths of my disdain for Bret Stephens. You really wanna phone it in on my dying wish? No but only because he can't remember if one of them has a restraining order against him or not. I don't know why I came out with these guys.
[ Because drowning his feelings in booze seemed, for some incomprehensible reason, like a good idea at the time. ]
are you sure that having me ghostwrite your brooklyn beatnik tweets is really what you want to waste your dying wish on? if you need an emergency exit, i can pretend to be locked out of my dorm again.
there's a cold war documentary marathon on history channel and a bottle of triple filtered in my fridge. plus going out requires a bra and pants, and post-finals me is not in the mood.
you must really hate me, then. you know i don't take notes.
[ she just writes commentary about the stupid questions people ask in imessage to make it look like she's taking notes... and also to try and distract him when the furrows in his brow get too deep to be ignored. ]
don't lie. you're just too good to share an uber after that time we got trapped with the newlyweds.
[ nothing is more traumatizing than watching a drunken couple decide the third row of an seven-passenger minivan was the place to begin getting undressed for sloppy drunk sex. ]
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four, please.
[ denial, party of one, two long island iced teas down. ]
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what bar did your cavemen coalition claim tonight?
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We're at The Shrunken Head but chances are Hodge is getting us kicked out sooner than later.
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has he tried to climb over the bar to hug the shot girls yet?
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No but only because he can't remember if one of them has a restraining order against him or not. I don't know why I came out with these guys.
[ Because drowning his feelings in booze seemed, for some incomprehensible reason, like a good idea at the time. ]
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if you need an emergency exit, i can pretend to be locked out of my dorm again.
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[ someone's drunk and got his heart crushed womp womp ]
You're not out tinsight? I though it was a time honored tradition to get so blackout drunk you forget the trauma of finals week.
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plus going out requires a bra and pants, and post-finals me is not in the mood.
[ enjoy that mental image, steve. ]
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I forgot that was on tonight
[ there's no universe in which he knows the right way to respond to that last part so he doesn't ]
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if you get tired of captain khakis and the flip flop brigade, let me know.
[ pants not included in the offer. ]
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if you hurry, i might save you one.
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[ 🙃🙃🙃 ]
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Do you think they'd cater the wedding if they heard it was a garlic knot proposal?
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[ natasha's secret weakness: a good dessert ]
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[ just try it, steve, it's very fun ]
you still out with your clone buddies or should i be pulling out a second plate?
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[ groan-worthy jokes is more her territory anyway, he's just trying not to infringe, ok ]
I'm in an Uber already.
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[ he likes her bad jokes, ok, there's no denying it. ]
food's here. you're not. who loves me more, you or gio's?
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What's love if not passing up Uber Pool even though they're doing surge pricing because every student in a five mile radius is hammered?
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[ she just writes commentary about the stupid questions people ask in imessage to make it look like she's taking notes... and also to try and distract him when the furrows in his brow get too deep to be ignored. ]
don't lie. you're just too good to share an uber after that time we got trapped with the newlyweds.
[ nothing is more traumatizing than watching a drunken couple decide the third row of an seven-passenger minivan was the place to begin getting undressed for sloppy drunk sex. ]